Life is just coming at me way to fast. I always sit back and think of what could have would have happened if I took a different path. Never have I imagined that this is where I’d be. Living this life that no one could have ever expected for me or I even expect for myself. God works in such mysterious ways and is constantly testing us on how strong we are but sometimes you come to the point where you don’t think you’ll be strong for much longer. There’s so much pressure coming from people who love me or I thought loved me that it’s throwing me off guard. I feel like I’m getting weak because I’ve lost sight of who I am or where I want to be when I know all that matters is that I’m doing what’s best for my babygirl. It isn’t about me anymore. Yes I know that but in order for anyone to love me, I need to love myself first, take care of myself in order to have anyone, especially my daughter love me.
A few months ago at work at 24 hour fitness I came across a member who asked me how I was doing as a single mom.. And if I’m managing what I could. I responded with I’m doing better than most but it gets tiring. I work hard and try to find time for myself as well. He looked at me and said I know you must get a huge amount of people constantly trying to step in and give you advice on how to live and how your number one focus is to do everything in your power for your daughter but what’s most important is to do everything in your power to do good for yourself.. to allow a greater life for my daughter. Regardless what anyone has to say about how I’m living he told me I have to remember even if I dedicate my life to this amazing blessing don’t forget to live life to please myself. Enjoy this life that god has to offer because you never know how things may end. He told me find time for myself, go out as often as I can because no one ever knows the sacrifice and hardships there really is to be a mother because you lose sight of who you are trying to be the best for the love of your life. Honestly I almost started to cry but then as he finishes giving me this amazing advice he looks with a blank stare and says… I have three kids and they lost their mommy last winter because she worked to hard and never took the time to take care of herself and do things to please her. She was too focused on everyone else around her that she wasn’t concerned for her health and sanity. Always being dedicated to her family and never lived life the way she should have and create a balance. No matter what anyone else has to say about the things you do don’t ever let them tell you your being selfish for loving yourself.
I always look back on that advice that man gave me and think everyone around me is judging me for being me. Never once have I changed or put on a front about anything in this world other than maybe not being as happy as I really am. I know there are plenty of people in the world going through way worst and I am truely greatful that I don’t have it that hard but what I want people to know is that regardless what I’m doing my number one reason I got my head up high is because I have my beautiful daughter in my mind. I’ve done a crap load of fucked up things in my lifetime but to be frowned upon because I’m keeping a good balance with everything I do and then some is none of your concern. I’ve gotten this far doing things my way and there’s no damn way that anyone will tell me any different because you’ve NEVER walked a day in my shoes. I may not have everything I want but you better believe my daughter has everything in this world and more, thanks to me. Shoutout to all of you people and your ignorant comments because I can almost gaurentee that you’d never be able to survive a life like this one. I don’t ask you to pity me or need your help on things that definitely does not concern you. I have people by my side that I know loves me for everything I do and everything that I am. Maleah is going to grow up knowing that I’ve done everything in my power to do what’s best for her and what’s best us. I’m a strong individual and even if I feel I’m at rock bottom, I already know I’m doing better then most of you out there. Middle finger salute to all you haters. Judge me for what ever reason it is I won’t hold it against you. Just know that I know who you are and you are no longer a factor or apart of this beautiful life I’m living. My life > yours.
Mamalovely.
You know my name, not my story.
There is nothing more sexier than a man that’s passionate about doing something with their life and knows how to treat a woman right.
Your first mistake was leaving me. Your second mistake was giving me the chance to realize I could live without you.
2011, with all bullshit aside this may have been the best year of my life. Never would I have predicted that this is where I’d be AND be this strong but I gotta give credit to the man up stairs for giving me such a fullfilling life regardless the hardships I was put through. My life is more than amazing and I can’t be more blessed with one of the best gift life has to offer, my Daughter Maleah Estelle. Also as we say goodbye to the mistakes, lessons, heartbreaks and memories both good& bad I just wanna say thank you to every single person who stood by my side throughout it all and you definitely know who you are. I wouldn’t want to replace you guys for anything in this universe! Lastly, I couldn’t be more happy to have an opportunity to work at the Apple store and meet some of the most amazing people in my life that makes my worst days the most amazing! I got nothing but love for 2011, you’ve been good to me.
As the year is coming to a close I find myself flashing back through all these memories. The pain, the pregnancy, the deaths (Rest in paradise Uncle Nestor& Cousin Terry), the heartbreak, and most importantly the blessings. It’s been one hell of a year and can’t be thankful enough for the ones who stood by my side when I needed them the most. But I’m even more thankful for the ones who walked away. Shout out to you because you’ve made me stronger. Got my head up high and middle finger higher!
It never seems to stop amazing me how much I’ve gone through over the past year. Never have I thought this would be the life I’d be living but regardless all the bullshit I was out through, at this very moment I got my head held up high, heart made of steal and strength of wonder woman. Best part I got one amazing and beautiful daughter out of it. ❤ (Taken with instagram)
Anonymous asked: hey ericka, i wrote you a couple months back about how i find strength in your story. i just wanted to see how you are doing? i've got about 2 weeks until i give birth and have not spoken to BD in 2 weeks. i don't know if he'll be there. i want him there but i don't. i'm totally scared doin' this alone. i feel selfish thinkin' bout my relationship with him when i should be thinkin' bout the baby. i feel like a bad mom. i can't concentrate, i can't sleep, i can't get excited for lil man....
Hey Love,
I know exactly how your feeling. I’ve been there. So confused about the feelings on what might happen when the baby is born or even thinking “I just want him in my life”. Don’t worry about all of those thoughts they are going to constantly run through your mind but you just have to keep strong until Baby boy is here. Trust me nothing in the world is going to matter whether if the bd is around or not. All that is going to matter is that you are there for the Lil guy. But I’m not gonna lie it’s gonna hurt as hell if he isn’t around as often as you may think. Maleah’s daddy was only around a few times the two weeks that she was born and at that only spent a few hours with her at a time. He left as soon as we were settled in the hospital and didn’t even stay until we switched to our recovery room. My mind was pretty messed up the first two weeks and I have no doubt in that it had made me into an even stronger person. I had an emergency c section and went through a roller coaster of real body pain and emotions but I got through it. Surprisingly through that first month I maybe cried three times about him not being around but that was it. I remember dates so clearly and on August 10th, we stop contacting each other. Pretty crazy because it didn’t even matter to me anymore. I was doing so good getting my life on track and doing whats best for my baby girl. I went back to school and even got a promotion at work. Around September 7th I need some papers signed for baby to have her social security aid and I didn’t even call him, I showed up to his place. I felt nothing when I seen him. Crazy. That day he texted me.. And we kinda been texting back and forth for a few days and hung out. Just us two no baby just to see where we stood but definitely things had changed. He changed, I’ve changed and sad to say karma hit him hard. We decided to take things a day at a time and if it happens it happens again but we have to try and go with the flow. We are still battling over things about the past and going through trust and jealousy issues but ehhhh who’s to blame. We are young and we have a child together. We hang out from time to time still and I bring Maleah over at least once a week to have a family day. He’s really good with her. She’s about to be three months next week and I never would have pictured my life being like this and it still gets me but through all this heartache came something beautiful, My Maleah Estelle. Everything and anything is about keeping her heart safe. She’s first priority in my heart. The one thing that I won’t do is never allow her to see her daddy. She’s needs that. If he doesn’t want to see the baby that’s on him not you ma.
Believe in yourself hunn because you’ll get into a good place with yourself. I sure did and I would have never thought I’d be this strong. Getting on with my life as amazing as it has been without him entirely by my side. Also understand that you are pregnant and all your emotions are different. Everything your going through is driving you crazy because of all these extra hormones but when it’s all done. Trust me when I say this you will be at a better place. Lol and don’t sweat the no sleep thing your going to have plenty of sleepless nights ahead of you when Lil man is here! I pray for you have a fast and safe delivery. Keep your head up and be strong and remember when you meet the love of your life, baby boy. It will be like nothing else in this world matters but you and him. All the pain throughout this pregnancy would not even matter and it’s important that you always always put baby first. Even if it hurts like hell. Let me know how it goes and I’ll be here with what ever advice you need. Take care hunn. One love.
